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Free Jokes (True?)

** Some are true, some may not be…

They are only good if you believe!!

Things to ponder

Statements on products

Forensic Science

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL (Turkey Hotline)

Weird Facts

Send us your joke

Things to ponder

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What color hair do they put on a bald man’s drivers license?

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

A man is alone in the forest and speaks. There are no women around to hear him…

Is he Still WRONG?

Statements on products

These statements were found on actual products.

On hairdryer instructions

Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.

Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:

Directions:  Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinner that says:

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:

Fits one head.

On Tescos Tirimisu dessert:

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:

Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boots (pharmacy chain in the UK) childrens cough medicine:

Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.

On Nytol:

Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:

Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:

For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:

Not to be used for the other use.

For indoor or outdoor use only.

On Sainsburys peanuts:

Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Forensic Science

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for

Forensic Science,

AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with

the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story: On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the

body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to

the head.

The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building

intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his

despondency).

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun

blast through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net

had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window

washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete

his suicide anyway because of this. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued,

a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds,

even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below

probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to

homicide.

But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful

caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his

hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was

occupied by and elderly man and his wife.

They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun.

He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed

his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt,

one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this

charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew

that the shotgun was loaded.

The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife

with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her -

therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident.  That is, the

gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation

turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun

approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that

the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son,

knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,

loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his

mother. The case now becomes one of

murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. There was an

exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become

increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to

engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story

building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a

ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL (Turkey Hotline)

where people call to get advice on

how to cook a Turkey from the experts

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to

find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer

the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the

bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still

running around outside."

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't

Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California

wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu

* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen

turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough

for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get

any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Weird Facts

-- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have

   produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

-- If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas

   is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

-- The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to

   squirt blood 30 feet.

-- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

-- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for

   pleasure.

-- On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

-- The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

-- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

-- You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

-- Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-- Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a

   calorie.

-- Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a

   champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

-- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

   left-handed  people do.

-- In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their

   bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

-- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

-- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times

   its own weight and always falls over on its right side when

   intoxicated.

-- Polar bears are left handed.

-- The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank

   #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

-- The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a

   human jumping the length of a football field.

-- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it

   starves to death.

-- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is

   attached to its body.  The female initiates sex by ripping the

   males head off.

-- Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

-- Butterflies taste with their feet.

-- Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)

-- A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

-- An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

-- Starfishes haven't got brains.

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FREE JOKES!

Free Jokes (True?)

Things to ponder

Statements on products

Forensic Science

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL (Turkey Hotline)

Weird Facts

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