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Free Jokes (Sex)

The Penis Study

The Professor

After the date

4 KINDS OF SEX

The birth of a candy bar

The Penis Study

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the

head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The

study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded

that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to

provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, the French declared that the British

were wrong and decided to conduct their own

study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in

excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is

larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.

When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland

decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly

three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the

Newfie's study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the

head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from

flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

The Professor

A college professor was preparing his students for a big midterm. He said,

"I've gone over all of the notes and answered everyone's questions –

now for a final word. There will be no excuses accepted for not having the work done.

No 'My dog ate it,' no 'I had to work,' no stories about a big party."One wise guy yelled out,

"How about sexual exhaustion?" The professor said, "Nope –

you'll just have to learn how to write with your other hand!"

After the date

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out

together, and when they reach the front door he leans with

one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a

blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in

her nightgown, hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says.

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or

he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself,

but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend

to take his hand off the intercom!

4 KINDS OF SEX

HOUSE SEX:

When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX:

After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX:

After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say,

"F**K YOU"

COURTROOM SEX:

Your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court.

In front of lots of people for every penny you've got.

The birth of a candy bar

One Payday Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Miss Hershey back in the Power house

on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds and that was sure Almond Joy which

made his Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker and his Butterfingers went up her Kit Kat and caused a Milky Way.

She screamed "O Henry" and squeezed his Zagnuts. Miss Hershey said you were even better than

the Three Musketeers. Soon she was a bit Chunky. Nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.

Jamaican

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis,

her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not

erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning

in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man

who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day".

Nice Doggie

Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on

cheap wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in

their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a flea bitten , old mongrel, male dog -

cleaning himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on

unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog.

He says, "Wow! would I ever like to be able to do THAT!"

His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend

a side...

"You'd better pet him first... he looks vicious".

Grandpa

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch,

in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?"

he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,

"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your Grandma's idea."

Nightmares!!

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a

Nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies

he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father

assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him

good night. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his

son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The

father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him

Good night. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his

son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The

father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next

day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die. After

dressing, he drives very cautiously to work, fearful of a collision. He

doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone

for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, stares at

every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.

"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds,

"You think your day was bad, the postman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Mike and the Gorilla

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla,

a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian

determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible

for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy

any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition:

would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested,

but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring

that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions,

but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Magic Sex Pills

A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never wanted sex

anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling her to put them in

the husband's drink and her husband would be recharged.

The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee

that evening. That night they made out. The next morning, she put two

in his coffee, and that night the sex was ecstatic. The next day, she

said, "What the hell!" and dumped the entire bottle in the husband's

coffee.

Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's progress.

The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how everyone

was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's dead, Sis left home, the maid's

pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling,

"Here, kitty, kitty.'"

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