FREE JOKES!

Free Jokes (Other)

Timmy and the goldfish

About Chain Letters

Another chain Letter (Don't break this one!)

The Drinkers “Fault Finding” Guide.

Stop Smoking Dope.

Rules Guys Wished Girls Knew.

Elbow Hurts

Send us your joke!

Timmy and the goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully,

without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned,

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

About Chain Letters1

I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final

exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed

by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking

forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send

them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by

second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who

kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures for use on their child

pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the

letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you

$200 every time you send "this" or any other email to a friend?

How fucking stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get

laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of

bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out

there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain

mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechaun will come into my apartment

and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was

started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget

pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll

be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous

streak of blatant stupidity.

Screw them. If you're going to forward something, at least send

something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your

closest friends, and this  poor, wretched excuse for a human being will

some how receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards to many

times.

I don't fucking care.  Show a little intelligence and think about what

you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards.  Chances

are it's your own unpopularity.

P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!  ;->

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Chain Letter2

Dear Friend:

This chain was started in the hope of bringing happiness

To all tired businessmen. Unlike most chains, it dose not require

Money. Simply send a copy of this to five friends, then bundle up

Your wife and send her to the fellow who heads the list. When your

Name reaches the top of the list, you will receive 15,186 women and

Some are dandies!! Have faith. Don’t break the chain. One man broke

It and got his wife back.

Your friend,

Homebreakers, Inc.

Start here:

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The Drinkers “Fault Finding” Guide.

              The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide

              ================================

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault    : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part

           of face.

Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with

           as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom  : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale

           and clear.

Fault    : Glass is empty.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Room is spinning.

Fault    : Somebody is spinning your barstool.

Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom  : Feet cold and wet.

Fault    : Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom  : Feet warm and wet.

Fault    : Loss of self-control.

Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog.  After a while complain to its

           owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom  : Lap cool and wet.

Fault    : Drooling on yourself.

Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom  : Bar blurred.

Fault    : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom  : Bar moving.

Fault    : You are being carried out.

Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.  If not complain

           loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Sympton  : Bar looks like a circus.

Fault    : You're at a circus.

Solution : Go to a bar.

Symptom  : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a

           fluorescent strip across it.

Fault    : You have fallen over backwards.

Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking

           arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to

           the bar.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and

           dog-ends.

Fault    : You have fallen over forwards.

Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom  : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot

           see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault    : You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat

           yourself to a lie in.

Symptom  : Everything has gone dim.

Fault    : The pub is closing.

Solution : PANIC!!

Stop Smoking Dope.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and

appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second

chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out his weekend

and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give

up drugs forever.  I'll see you back in court Monday. "

Monday , the two guys were in court; and the judge said to the first

one, "How did you do over the weekend?"  "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded

17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful.

What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this.....

... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs

and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do ? "

the judge asked the second guy.

" Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give  up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that ?"

" Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles)....

"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole

before prison ...."

Rules Guys Wished Girls Knew.

1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Quit asking us.

2.  Learn to work the toilet seat:  if it's up, put it down.

3.  Don't cut your hair.  Ever.

4.                       Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not sacred quests

    to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you

    don't want to hear.

6.  Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.  Live with it.

7.                       Don't ask him what he's thinking about

 unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint,

 the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8.                       Get rid of your cat.  And no, it's not different, it's just like

 every other cat.

9.  Dogs are better than ANY cats.  Period.

10. Sunday equals sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the

tides.  Let it go!

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine.  Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail.  Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Ask for what you want.  Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will, so

    just mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank

    range.  We're bound to miss sometimes.

19. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes.

    What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,

    out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

22. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

26. Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  All

    comments become null and void after 7 days.

29. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls,

    don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,

    and one of the ways makes

    you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

31. Let us ogle in peace.

    If we don't look at other women, how can we know how

    pretty you are?

32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

33.You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it

   done— not both.

34. Whenever possible,

    please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

36. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses

    lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

37. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you.  We need it, just like you do.

38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines

    are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly

    not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months

    we were going out - get over it.

Elbow Hurts

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I

better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered

his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore

that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than

a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample,

deposit $10, then the computer will give you your

diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a

sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the

machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The

machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on

and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped

out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water

twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be

better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough

in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test

his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and

teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated

into the jar. He took this concoction down to the

drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.

The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing

routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has

worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs.

Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not

your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking

off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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