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THE IRATE CUSTOMER

The lamp

Prepare for the ski season

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THE IRATE CUSTOMER

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer,

this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special'

customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines

gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point,

when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a

long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger

pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter

and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,

but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to

work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,

so that the passengers

behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began,

her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate

WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,

please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared

at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir,

but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The lamp

A man is walking along a California beach and stumbles across an old

lamp. He picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie says,

"OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah.

This is the fourth time this century and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes,

so you can forget about having three. You only get ONE wish!"

The man excitedly says, "Hey, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii,

but I'm afraid to fly and I get very seasick. How about you building me

my own bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"

The genie laughs and says, "Come on now, you didn't give this any real thought,

did you?! How could I possibly do that? Think of how big it'd be and of the

logistics and problems of building it! Like, how would the supports ever reach

the bottom of the Pacific? Or, how high it would have to be to let all the ships

out there pass under it. And do you know how much concrete it'd take...

and how much steel!? No, this time CAREFULLY think of your one wish!"

The man says "OK!", and this time sits down a long time to come up with a really

good wish. Finally, he says, "I've got it! I've been married and divorced four times.

My wives always said that I didn't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside

and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying...

know what they really want when they say nothing... know how to make them truly happy... "

The genie says, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?

Prepare for the ski season

Ski season is almost here!!  Hence, the following is a list

of exercises to prepare:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the

    walk-in freezer for half an hour.  Afterwords, burn two $50

    dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after

    every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubberband around the top half of

    your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue

    smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw a hundred dollar bill away-----now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20

    times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis,

    accessory bag and poles.  Pretend you are looking for your

    car.  Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line

    them with crushed ice, and then tighten a c-clamp around

    your toes.

9.  Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8.  Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend

    to run into you at high speed.

7.  Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a

    hamburg.  Be sure you are in the longest line.

6.  Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride

    a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your

    face.

5.  Drive slowly for five hours- anywhere- as long as it's in

    a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4.  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the

    spray blast your face.  Leave the ice on your face until it

    melts.  Let it drip into your clothes.

3.  Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed

    to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2.  Slam your thumb in a car door.  Don't go see a doctor.

1.  Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until

    it's time for the real thing!

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