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Free Jokes (Clean)
The
following are all quotes...
Late For The Exam...
It
was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local
university. Like
many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having
over 700
students in the class!
The
examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor
was
very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in
exactly two hours
would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a
student came
rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're
not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically
as he handed
the student a booklet.
"Yes
I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After
two hours, the
professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in.
All except the
late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up
to the professor
who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put
his exam on the
stack of exam booklets already there.
"No
you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked
incredulous and
angry.
"Do
you know WHO I am?"
"No,
as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm
in his voice.
"DO
YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No,
and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good,"
replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed
his in
the middle, and walked out of the room.
Words of wisdom from children
1. Never trust a dog to
watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and
asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Stay away from prunes. -
Randy, 9
4. When you get a bad grade
in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone. -
Alyesha, 13
5. Never *** on an electric
fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your
spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pick on your
sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
8. When your mom is mad at
your dad, don't let her brush your
hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your
three-year old brother in the same room as
your school assignment. -
Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front
of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a
tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same
time. - Kyoyo, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a
horse.
- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. -
Lauren, 9
17. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
The following are all quotes from 11 year
old's science exams:
When
you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
H2O
is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To
collect fumes of sulpher, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When
you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Nitrogen
is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Water
is composed of 2 gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is
gin and water.
Three
kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
Blood
flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration
is composed of 2 acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The
moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader.
Artifical
insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew
is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A
super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms
always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The
body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable
cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -
a, e, i, o, & u.
The
pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The
alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The
skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides
have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A
permanent set of teeth consists of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2 molars, & 8
cuspidors.
The
tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon,
because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins the fight.
A
fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Many
women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn
fetus, but that is a large misconception.
Equator:
A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate:
To become a naturalized German.
Liter:
A nest of young puppies.
Magnet:
Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Momentum:
What you give a person when they are going away.
Planet:
A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb:
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum:
A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before
giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
To
remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For
a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For
fainting: Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
For
dog bite: Put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill
it.
For
asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To
prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
For
head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To
keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
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