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Oh oh...

Why Dogs don't use computers...

The Pianist

Wood Pecker

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Oh oh...

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He

Tip-toed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he

heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the

house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the

voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked

all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a

parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the

parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named

you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Why Dogs don't use computers...

20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing

www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10) Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable

Thumb.

9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6) SmellYou-SmellMe still in beta test.

5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

... and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1) Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.

The Pianist

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano

and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts

playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool,

Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says" well

I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great

could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the

lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million bucks".

Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!

Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!"

Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really

asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

Wood Pecker

What do you call a wood pecker with no beak?

A Head Banger!!

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